Goodbye New York

(With Blaine and Marcelo saying goodbye for a few months.)

Setbacks are frustrating, whether they are professional, romantic, mental, or physical.  Over the past eight months I seem to have encountered just about every kind of setback there is.  With the recent addition of a horrible cold into the blender of my life, I’m confined to my apartment for what were to be my last triumphant days in New York until Spring. 

The past week has been extremely emotional for me.  As my departure to Montana draws nearer and nearer, there is no doubt that I am a little bit in denial about it.  While my friends assure me that it is just the type of thing I need right now, I am scared for a variety of reasons. 

Most pressing of those reasons is my health.  After eight months of trying almost everything except drinking my own urine (urine was the answer to every ailment to one of my Russian teachers in high school) I seem to be inching, rather than leaping along to full health.  Over the past two weeks, I was bouncing around more than ever and reveling in the fact that people were taking note of my improved spirits.  But every time someone noted the improvements, I heard silent thunder echoing in my brain.  What I’m starting to learn, as I ride the ups and downs of my illness, is that I always have an impending sense of doom.  I have started to live a bit in fear that for every good day I have, there will be a horrible day in the near future.  So far, I’ve been right. 

Even as I type this, I can logically say to myself that this is no way to live.  People in peak health have ups and downs.  To have every day bring constant sunshine and singing birds would become nauseating in its own right.  Yet, after eight months of fighting a sickness that still lingers, I have adopted this negative mindset, much to my dismay. 

With the arrival of my Dance Spirit article, I am elated to finally have a (fairly) definitive and concise account of my battle.  All of the friends who have stood in front of me, bewildered by my seemingly healthy self, will begin to have a sense of what has gone on beneath the surface. 

When I started writing the article, and working on different drafts, my editor and I joked that by the time the issue hit newsstands I would be living a normal life again.  Unfortunately, that isn’t the case.  If I were healthy, I wouldn’t be surrounded by two large bags and piles of books that I’m transporting to Montana tomorrow. 

I haven’t lived at home with my parents for more than a month since I was thirteen.  Suddenly I’m dependent on them monetarily, and leaning on them more emotionally than I wish to be at twenty-one.  Again, I’m able to see the foolishness of the words I type.  Parents are there for you to lean on and I’m fortunate to have fantastic parents that can support me through this difficult time.  Yet after years of working towards financial and emotional independence, it’s jarring to know that I need them more than ever. 

It will be nice to spend time with my family and a variety of friends who I haven’t seen much since jetting off to boarding school at thirteen.  I’m looking forward to working on photography, writing, and perhaps I’ll even start breeding dogs, or capturing leprechauns; there are so many possibilities.  Whatever I’m doing in Montana, there will always be the fact that my friends in New York are continuing on their own journeys.  The other night I had to say goodbye to Marcelo, Jackie, Blaine and David which was harder than I imagined.  Walking home through the wind as snow attacked my face, I noticed how much my inner mood matched the outer tumultuous night air.  Let’s hope that my mood and health will match the spring flowers upon my return to New York in March.

HERE IS AN ARTICLE THE MISSOULA PAPER DID ABOUT ME LAST WEEK:
A Bittersweet Homecoming

Comments

[A]

I just wanted to wish you luck in Montana. I learned this summer how odd it can be to go home after a period of independence, but I think it's certainly justified at 21. Some of my friends are just leaving home now, and they're about the same age. I hope you enjoy the mountains and space of the west and are able to recuperate.

[Miriam]

Mathew you're leaving tomorrow?!?!? I've always assumed I would run into you one day on a train and be able to tell you in person how much I adore your blog. It gives me the ability to step into the shoes of a life wildly different than my own and I appreciate you so much for it. As much as New York will miss you, it's an understanding city that awaits your return in the spring. Though I've never met you, I've read your words enough to feel like I know you. I think you know better than anyone else that the spirit and body are connected. Be thankful the human spirit is resilient and this time away to clear your mind will ultimately inspire the body to do the same. Take it from someone who has studied science and human nature in great detail, both will come around. Be positive, be healthy and most of all happy that things will change for the better for you. When you come back to NY I insist you have a meet up with your readers in the City! Enjoy the holidays and home, it's amazing what time with great parents can do for a person.

Ever your faithful reader,
Miriam

[Pippin]

Don't let the leprechauns take you to imaginationland. And oh how I remember Ms Danilova telling people to pee on themselves. Good times.

[Donna]

Matt, you are so fortunate that your parents are there for you....I'm sending you a virtual hug and positive thoughts!
I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

-Donna

[emma]

oh matty pants what will nyc do without you?
hopefully the montana air will do you some good. take care lovely :)

[Keith]

Matt, have a safe trip. New York will not be the same without your being here. We will miss you terribly. Hurry back!

[Barbara]

Dear Matt, I couldn't put it more eloquently than Miriam did and I second her comments. I especially like the idea of a meet up with your local readers. I hope you know how much you mean to all of us. Have a safe trip and good R&R with the P's (or 'rents as David puts it ;) Looking forward to your Montana photos.

[jolene]

OH MY GOD YOU'RE ONLY 21.

I think you're being way too hard on yourself. ;) My parents have been working on me for four years to move back in with them, and even bought a house with a casita, hoping I'll finish medical school near where they are. And I'm 28.

I hope you have a happy holidays - love the article about you! And love that "promotional photo". :)

Happy travels, and merry Christmas!

[Natalie D.]

I was hoping to meet you when I come up to NYC to visit Michelle and Carson in Jan. I am sorry that you will be in Montana, but I hope that your trip home provides the rest and relaxation you need to get back to your old self again. Praying for you always,

Natalie

[Philip]

I hope that R & R in Montana will be the answer...keep in touch!

Philip aka Oberon